Sex is like a rollercoaster: the ride might give you a headache, but BOY does the thrill make it worth it.
Everyone explores their sexuality in their own time, but for many, our 20s brings the first real taste of sexual freedom. Whether it’s committed or casual, sex can teach us some pretty valuable things about ourselves (and be pretty damn good for our health).
On the other hand, sex can get overwhelming AF. While I can’t tell you who to do it with (
or help you key their car and burn some sage after it goes wrong), I CAN give you some tips to make navigating your sex life a little easier.
Here’s 5 things you should know about sex in your 20s [and beyond]:
There’s no “correct” time to have sex
You can wait either 3 months or 3 minutes, but the decision of when to have sex is yours.
Women have been made to believe that it’s better to make a man wait, and that our value is tied to how long. While saving sex for committment may eliminate the people here for a good time and not a long time, it won’t guarantee a successful relationship.
Focus on intention instead of a time period and ask: is this just sex for you or something deeper? There’s no wrong answer here, just make sure you both have the same one.
Whatever the ‘wait’, sex is your choice, and your choice ONLY.
Leave the “body counts” for mass shootings, not sex shaming
As we age, the “body count debate” becomes more and more obsolete. We’re not teenagers anymore–no one worth your time or effort will judge you about how many people you have or haven’t bumped uglies with, plain and simple.
Not only is your “body count” your personal business, but to judge reeks of insecurity (yup I said it, and I’ll die on this hill).
Are we less likely to have STIs/unplanned pregnancies with a lower number of partners? Yes. Is it safer sex practices to discuss our sexual health and history? Absolutely. But your number is completely your choice. There’s nothing wrong with addressing it, but there IS something questionable about a person holding it against you, should you choose to share.
Even if they do judge you, who said you have to care? Life’s taught me that the ‘judgiest’ people can be the most unhappy, so pay them dust. Those who matter shouldn’t mind, and those who mind shouldn’t matter (word to Dr. Seuss); no one can embarrass you unless you already feel embarrassed.
So, I’m proposing DEATH TO THE BODY COUNT SHADE.
Virgin or pro, as long as you’re being clean, healthy, and safe then do whoever you like–own your sexual history so no one can shame you for it.
Porn can’t teach you how to f*ck, but it can show you what you like
I remember hearing somewhere that miscommunication happens with sex because men watch too much porn and women watch too many romantic comedies, and…I agree (let me explain).
Men def aren’t the only ones who watch porn (or women, romantic comedies), but too many of them have this horrible idea that sex should mimick a pornhub production, like, ALL the time.
Spoiler alert: some people don’t enjoy doing that. Everyone’s threshold for freaky sh*t is different, but “porn star” is certainly not the standard you need to meet (or prefer).
What a good porno flick CAN do, however, is help you figure out what you like, aka what turns you on. If you need help in this department, then find a site, pick a flick, and get comfortable—pay attention to which acts in the movie get you aroused the most, and implement them in your own sex life.
Speak your mind, and pleasure will follow
Closed mouths what?
DON’T GET FED.
Unless you’re screwing a psychic, no one will know how to pleasure you if you don’t speak up. And when you don’t speak up, then you’ll be stuck having bad sex.
Help them help you. Communicate to your sexual partner all the things that you want to do and want done to you. (Experimenting also helps you figure out what you like and what you don’t like.)
If you don’t trust or feel comfortable with sharing these dirty details with your sex partner, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with that person (just a thought). Oh, and remember, you get what you give ;).
Also: Hey you, yeah YOU: stop faking your orgasms. It helps no one and only leads to more unfulfilling sex and inflated egos. Thank me later.
No one will believe you’re sexy until you do
Lowkey, I still struggle with this one. I’ve been skinny all my life, so I’ve always joked about having the body of a 13-year-old boy; for a long time, I didn’t believe I could be sexy because I didn’t see my body as “womanly.”
It’s easy to feel less sexy when you’re not 100% confident in your body and how it looks, but I had to embrace my flaws and stare in the mirror until I liked what I saw. Lingerie can help (photos too, but tread VERY lightly with taking/sending nudes).
Point is, your confidence sets the tone. Appreciate your body because a.) you’ll have more fun during sex and b.) it’s hard to convince someone that you’re sexy if you don’t already feel it.
Our 20s is the perfect time to figure out who we are in the bedroom. Whether you’re having lots of sex or barely any at all, it’s important to have fun, get out of your own head, and BE SAFE.
Have any more sex tips that the people need to know? Drop them in the comments below (but don’t get too nasty)!