You can often count on people to be two things: loud and wrong.
Especially when they’re talking about sex.
Though we have made strides in discussing sexuality and how we understand it, there’s still so much harmful misinformation out there that people still believe (and spread) at their big ages.
Below are five myths about sex that I’m glad to have unlearned (and I want you to unlearn them too):
Vaginas can get loose or stretch out from too much sex
The [often inaccurate] commentary on the ins and outs of women’s vaginas is so irritating. The most irritating of it all might be the mythical legend of the “loose-pussy-hoe” behavior.
It’s bullshit and all apart of slut-shaming (I touch on this a bit in my post about casual sex).
There’s no amount of big d*cks, sexual partners, or rough sex that will make a vagina stretch out or “ruined” permanently.
Read that again.
Write it down.
In fact, the tightness or looseness of a woman’s vagina has little to do with sexual activity; it has more to do with levels of anxiety than anything.
The only two exceptions to the rule are older age and multiple childbirths, and, in which case, can happen to some women, not all. (Read more about vaginal tightness, looseness, and what to do about it here.)
If you want to shame women for having or enjoying sex then just say that!
If a woman can’t “get wet” then something is wrong with her
Another inaccuracy is that people commonly associate how wet a woman feels during sex with how satified they are, but it’s not that simple.
Vaginal lubrication is different for everyone and can be determined by many factors.
Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Are you using hormonal birth control?
How is your emotional health currently?
Did you do enough foreplay before having sex?
Are you well into a long session of sex?
The answers to these questions directly affect the amount of vaginal wetness (and there is no “right” amount, btw). Here’s a good article to read if you want to get into the science of it.
If you’re having difficulty with vaginal wetness then it’s perfectly fine to use lube for some assistance. Like we said in the beginning, it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong.
Sex = Porn
You know what makes me cringe? When I see people give porn wayyy too much–time, credit, or conversation.
Listen, I understand the hype (in a way). Pornos are fantasies and who doesn’t have a steamy, exciting one of their own they’d love to act out?
But let me tell you when things start to get hella strange IRL when it comes to porn:
- when you’re convinced that rough sex or “poundtown” is the only way
- when you think that sex should always go on for hours
- when you believe that sexual acts are done to someone, not with them
- when you believe that every woman should have loud, dramatic orgasms and squirt every time
- when you fetishize people’s bodies
- women with huge breasts or butts (and pretty much every other body part)
- men with muscles of steel and a dick like a firehose
(I’ve even seen people send around pics of their current person’s “equipment” just to brag about the sex. And of course that backfired on them. Only too much porn could make someone think doing weird shit like that is ok.)
Though porn can provide some inspiration and motivation, that’s not where you get the run down on sex in real life. It’s just not reliable or realistic information. I touched on this a bit in a previous post about sex.
Just remember this: just because it looks good on camera doesn’t mean it’ll feel good to you.
Only “damaged” people enjoy BDSM
What comes to mind when you hear the acronym BDSM? Probably lots of leather, whips, blindfolds, and pain. But it’s a little more complex than that…
BDSM, short for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism, refers to a vast range of different sexual “kinks” as people call them–from getting choked and tied up to role play and using sex toys, the list goes on.
Since BDSM gets such a bad rep for being dangerous, the general assumption is that those who enjoy it are sexual deviants or have been abused. While it’s possible that some people who participate in BDSM have experienced trauma, there’s no direct correlation between the two. For example, I (and a few of my girlfriends) openly discuss how we enjoy acts of BDSM and none of it (to my knowledge) stems from past abuse.
Also understand that there are levels to this: while one of us may enjoy a lil hair pulling and ass-smacking, the other may prefer to be blindfolded and handcuffed or to be dominant or submissive.
This isn’t an all-or-nothing situation; anyone can choose their own boundaries at any time.
The best (and most important) thing about BDSM is the mutual safety and consent that makes way for an amazing and empowering sexual experience.
Sexual behavior = sexual identity
There’s a lot of ignorant talk around what ppl like versus who they like sexually. I’ll keep this short and get to it:
If a heterosexual man enjoys or wants to try anal play that doesn’t mean he is gay. If a lesbian likes penetration that doesn’t mean that she suddenly became heterosexual. I could go on but I think you get the point.
Opting to try different sexual acts with your partner does not suggest anything about your sexual orientation.
Read that again.
Write it down.
Being open and communicating with them is the best way to see which activities you enjoy and which you don’t.