Grab a trash can, friends — this might get a little messy.
Have you noticed when someone becomes unavailable people tend to show their asses?
There’s something very… primitive about people’s behavior when we don’t get access to what or who we want.
Since I’ve been on both sides of this (to an extent) I don’t like to judge interests or desires, only choices. It’s one thing to have feelings or attraction for someone but it’s a completely different thing to act on it, directly or indirectly.
And it certainly doesn’t help when others act clueless about something that is so obvious and disrespectful (but I get it–it can be difficult to see the bigger picture when we’re too close).
While I agree that we can’t “steal” anyone from their partner, because they go willingly, it’s foolish to ignore when someone won’t respect your relationship for selfish reasons.
Listen: folks are CHOOSING and I don’t want y’all being naive out in these streets. If someone shows any of these four signs toward your partner, then it’s very likely they want them (sexually or romantically):
They won’t acknowledge you
Whether they’ve been around for 15 years or 15 minutes, always beware of someone who is familiar with your partner but isn’t interested in being familiar with you.
There’s a huge difference between a genuinely platonic friend and a default platonic friend – the latter is who you need to watch. The default platonic friend will jump at being more if given the chance, so getting to know the “obstacle” in their way isn’t at the top of the list. Simply put, they won’t acknowledge you in hopes that your partner will acknowledge them.
If they see you as a threat to who they want, they probably won’t speak to you and may even be rude; they’ll intentionally ignore you, try to hang out with your partner without you, and a bunch of other passive aggressive shit (that may make you look crazy for pointing it out).
If your partner is truly all about you then they shouldn’t want to get closer with someone who doesn’t want to be amicable (or at least cordial) with you. Period.
…Or they get too friendly with you
On the other hand, there’s also those who get too friendly too quickly. You know the one I’m talking about: your fastest fan. Their compliments are extra nice, they want to be besties and very eager to get to know you on a deeper level.
Sounds innocent, right?
It can be, but not always. This person may be trying to avoid suspicion. If they’re around a lot or asking you personal questions about your life or relationship then it won’t seem weird because that’s what friends do. Tread lightly and share details sparingly.
Peep the Language – Verbal and Nonverbal
This one is my favorite one because people always find a way to tell on themselves, consciously or subconsciously.
Body language doesn’t lie. A subtle touch on the arm, hand, back, or leg, a hug that lasts a little too long, turning toward them whenever possible–if someone wants a person then they’ll find a way to be near them. Needless to say, you should think twice before trusting someone who can’t help but be close by.
You know what else is, literally, quite telling? Someone’s words.
It’s not about semantics as much as content – what do they choose to discuss around your partner?
If someone wants them, then sex and relationship status are definitely on the menu. The former is clearly a much bolder choice than the latter.
Who they’re f*cking and when, if they’re getting any at all
What a person does or doesn’t do to them
The positions they like and how many times
What turns them on
…everything is on the table.
They will talk about the good, bad, and ugly of their sex lives. Completely unprovoked. (Even if that means throwing their current bae under the bus.) While I personally find this tacky, I try very hard not to judge people too harshly because our desires can make us do some questionable things.
But anyway, onto the more subtle conversation choice: relationship status.
They won’t ask about a boyfriend or girlfriend because that’s way too obvious. They will, however, mention being single and hope for a reaction. If they don’t directly tell your partner that they’re single, they’ll make sure that mutual friends know, betting that the news will travel back.
The name of the game is discretion, after all.
They Mirror Your Partner’s Interests
As if things weren’t already weird, you now have a “Mr. Me Too” on your hands.
If your partner is in construction, they become Bob the Builder.
If your partner is artsy, they can’t stop gushing about the cinematography of everything.
If your partner dropped a mixtape, they suddenly battle rap in their spare time.
If your partner joined the circus, they’re applying to be the biggest clown.
They’ll knock back some shots when they’re not a drinker. Ask to hit the blunt when they don’t smoke. Anything that will get your partner to notice them more, no matter how far removed from their real personality.
Wtf are you gonna do about it?
So you’ve encountered someone who shows these signs…now what?
Do nothing but stay calm, collected, and the hell away from them. Hear me out…
From experience, I’ve learned three key things:
- Choose your battles wisely and sparingly. You will drive yourself insane if you address every person who disregards your relationship. Those situations don’t deserve your energy, more times than not. (If you decide to run down on somebody, however, then that’s your business. Judgement free zone.)
- Things will only go as far as your partner allows them. Observe, process, and separate facts from feelings.
- If your relationship is a clear boundary that someone doesn’t mind overstepping, then it’s very likely that they don’t care about you (or they care more about their own selfish motivations, anyway.) So, don’t get too close.
If your partner is only accepting compliments and interacting within decent boundaries then there’s nothing to worry about. If you make it a big deal (when it’s not) then it may seem like you don’t trust them, causing unnecessary tension in your relationship. If they are returning advances and responding positively, however, then that’s something completely different. Whatever the case, you need to keep the lines of communication open with your partner to avoid confusion.
Remember: your confidence is your flex; the more secure you are in your relationship, the easier it is to get over the messy sh*t. If somebody wants to take your partner then let them try! They can run their best game but a solid partner wouldn’t give them a second thought.
If they do entertain a person who shows one or more of these signs then definitely SAY SOMETHING to your partner and nip it in the bud. If nothing changes then you may wanna consider letting them go. I know it’s easier said than done but, like Fat Trel said, “if you can take it from my pocket you can have it.” They did you a favor as far as I’m concerned.
In this season of choice, don’t keep people around who don’t wanna be kept! You deserve to be with someone who will put forth the same effort as you in a relationship.
So if you know someone who is showing these signs, biding their time, and plotting or praying on a moment to make their move, tell them to stop being weak in the knees and STAND UP!